I realize that the world of wine can be very confusing if you’re not familiar with the mountains of esoteric terminology. Therefore, I’ve created this handy dandy little glossary that you may refer to whenever you’re feeling out-snobbed.
Appalachian d’Origine Controlée (AOC) [noun]: Wine laws dictating the amount of wine a person may drink at high altitudes before inappropriate intoxication.
e.g., “Ted, don’t bother filling your Nalgene with Pinot. According to the AOC, if you drink it at the summit, you’ll be too drunk climb back down.”
Bord-O [adj.]: Characterized by boredom resulting from the verbose blathering of French wine snobs.
e.g., “Pierre’s two hour sermon on Burgundy terroir made me bord-O. Let’s go watch some Rachael Ray.”
Brut [noun]: An unfavorable term used to describe those who drink all of their sparkling wine before the toast.
e.g., “OMG, Jack is already on his third glass, and they haven’t even announced the bride and groom. What a brut!”
Meter Maid [noun]: One who chooses a wine solely based on its Parker rating. See also: Parallel Park.
e.g., “Bill’s such a meter maid. Doesn’t he have any taste of his own?”
Oaky-dokey [interj.]: The response of a non-caring wine novice when told that his glass will “carry the aroma of freshly cut oak, a subtle whiff of vanilla, and a hint of toast.”
e.g., Robert: “Note how the barrel endows the wine with the aroma of freshly cut oak, a subtle whiff of vanilla, and a hint of toast.” (sniffs repeatedly) Roberta: “Oaky-dokey, whatever you say.” (drinks)
Parallel Park or Double Park (verb): a.) To market a wine by placement near a higher-rated wine on the shelf. b.) To advertise this year’s wine with last year’s (higher) Parker rating.
e.g., “I can’t believe that Domaine Hanson is double parking their 2006. The 2005 may have been worth a 97, but this one is totally gross.”
Premier Cru [adj.]: Of or relating to the special treatment given to first class airplane passengers, especially as concerns miniature bottles of complimentary wine.
e.g., “Jill thinks she’s sooo premier cru up there in first class. Whatever, everyone knows that free wine tastes like fossil fuel. Could I please have some tomato juice and a $5 headset?”
Sun Tannin [noun]: The act of drinking wine on the beach.
e.g, “The only downside to sun tannin is gettin’ sand in your glass.”